moving out of the house
My son told me tonite that he and his girlfriend are looking for an apartment together. Well he knows that I really dont agree with him living with her with out being married but it is really not up to me and it is not really about me either. It is about him leaving home and becoming an adult and doing things on his own. Very hard to see, but also very nice to see that he can do it. He is a good kid and I know he will be ok. I just have this fear that he wont want to come and visit and that I am losing him. I know it sounds dumb but knowing that I was not the best father while he was growing up and I did some not so good things, well it scares me. I want what is best for him and I want us to to be ok too. I love my son and I wish I could take back all the bad things that I caused while he was growing up, but I cant. All i can do is look to the future and hope that I can somhow mend the hurt and the pain i caused. That he will not have as many resentments towards me that I have to my father. That he can look to the future with a clear self image untarnished by the shame of a past that I can not change,

well it happend two weeks ago he found a really nice place and they moved in. I really dont know now who is having a harder time dealing with it his mom or me. I know he spent a lot of time at his gf's house but i miss him being around. though last night we went there for supper and tomorow we are going again for a cook out. actully it seems we see and talk to him more now than when he lived at home.

when I see him
I wrote a little something to say how I feel about my son growing up and how I am dealing with things. When I see him when I see him I dont see a confident 20 year old just starting on his own, I see the little boy I yelled at too many times. When I see him my eyes refuse to see the man he has become, but the little boy who is scared of his dad. When I see him I want to grab the little boy and tell him Im sorry. When I see him I want to let him know just how much he means to me, how much I love him. When I see him I want to go back. I want to tell myself just what a gift he is and not to waste it. when I see him I want to go back and start over, take him to more parks, take him on more camping trips. When I see him I want to make up for all the broken promises, the lies that were so intwined that even I beleived them. when I see him I just want to be his dad, for him to forgive, to let me forgive myself.

nate is doing very well. seems now that he is officially out of the house we see and hear from him more. not that I am complaining. I am glad of that.